I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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