Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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