Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
