I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
