Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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