someone get that fucking seahorse.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
