Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
