When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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