dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
