i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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