If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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