my phone cant type all the emotion im having
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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