take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
