When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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