dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
