how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
