You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
