I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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