WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
