Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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