Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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