I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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