I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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