The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
