I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
