i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
