last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
