how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm at about main and main street
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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