I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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