my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
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There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
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well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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