Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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