She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
