May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
