I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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