who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
