listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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