so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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