can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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