he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The beers last night were like the tears from god
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
