I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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