hell yes lets make some ravioli
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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