youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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