I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
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I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
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Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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