dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
