mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
not ubering you a puppy
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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