I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
