Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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