Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
