Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
