Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
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Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
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You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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