party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
