Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
