i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
