Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Randomize
