I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
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Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Two words: blizzard sex
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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